


what lies within an angry heart

by castielatlas



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fake Karakura Town Arc, Hiyori's foul mouth, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Injury, Post-Winter War (Bleach), Rated For Violence, Slow Burn, Turn Back the Pendulum Arc, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Vizored Family, Winter War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-02-05 15:02:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielatlas/pseuds/castielatlas
Summary: Sarugaki Hiyori has a lot of anger within her.





	1. Chapter 1

 

Anger, Hiyori finds out, is the easiest emotion to deal with. 

 

It happens with her own gender, first. 

Surely, Hiyori has never been the quiet, kind and shy princess-type girl. The type that is horrified by violence, always wants to be Good, never rude, always respectful ; everything Hiyori isn't. 

In everyday life, Hiyori is loud and violent and hotheaded. She doesn't like to be coddled, too often turning patronizing because of her appearance, so she never goes soft on others. Even in combat she lacks the grace most female shinigami seem to effortlessly possess. Her fighting skills are mostly brute force.

In the end, she is probably not a likeable girl. And it's kind of stupid, because she doesn't even really try to be one, but being faced with this type of girls reminds her of everything she's not, and it makes her self-conscious and insecure. 

She focuses on anger.

 

Over time, plenty of other things grow to annoy Hiyori. People prove to be a general source of annoyance, as do Monday mornings and having to wait to eat, but people, mostly. Sociability isn't her strong suit. She always speaks her mind bluntly, her tone always a little harsher, louder than necessary despite herself.

That way, if people end up disliking her for it, it doesn't matter. If people make her angry, she doesn't need to be liked by them.

 

When it comes to Shinji Hirako, anger comes _so_ easily. Because really, Shinji is the most annoying dumbass she's ever met. Everything about him is just so utterly irritating, from his stupid face to his infuriating nonchalance to... his entire existence. Hiyori wants to smack him every time she sees him; and mostly, she does, because he is basically asking for it every time they interract. And Hiyori is very bad at self-control.

Considering how awful they are toward each other, it would be easy to think that they actually hate each other -except that they don't. Not at all. Because besides the bickering and kicking, there is an underlying trust between them. They care about each other -they just never mention it.

Shinji like so play it nonchalant. Hiyori sticks to being angry.

They don't mention that he always tends to be around, as if waiting to be kicked, when she's upset about something. They don't mention the increase of her violence when he chose Aizen freaking Sosuke to be his Vice-Captain. They don't mention that he was the first person she went to tell when she got promoted. They don't mention that the first time his Hollow took control, the sound of her voice calling him names was the thing that brought him back. They don't mention that he's the only person that ever saw her cry. 

They don't mention that he knows her like the back of his hand, and if he knows that her anger is always hiding something else, he does nothing to stop her from directing it at him. 

 

It sparks again when Urahara Kisuke is promoted Captain of the Twelfth Division. Hiyori can't even begin to comprehend who this idiot is. He smiles and laughs like a fool, looking so weak she feels sick. It's an insult to Captain Hikifune. She was strong and kind and smart and the best leader anyone could have. She was the best Captain there ever was.

Hiyori's stomach still twists when she thinks about her departure. It's easier to be angry at this stupid Urahara.

 

At last, the type of anger she has kept within her the past hundred years is probably the most dangerous. It's the kind that easily consumes your soul, only leaving space for hate.

 

_I really, really hate humans._

_I really hate shinigami too._

 

For a hundred years now Hiyori has been so, so angry.

She hates humans for being weak and oblivious. For treating them like freaks, even when they knew nothing about them.

She hates the shinigami for abandoning them. They were their own kin, and yet they betrayed them and forced them to live as misfits, hide their existence as if _they_ had done something wrong.

And more than anything or anyone in the universe, she hates Aizen Sosuke. 

So when Hiyori finally gets to face Aizen after a hundred years of chewing rage, her entire being burns with anger. Just the sight of him makes her blood boil. And then he opens his mouth, calls Shinji "Captain Hirako" in a mocking tone, as if the title is a joke, and Hiyori sees red.

After all, Hiyori isn't dumb. She knows that she can hit Shinji only because he allows her to. Surely she is strong, and fast, and can hide her reiatsu perfectly if she wants to. She deserved her Vice Captain rank - the same way Shinji deserved his Captain rank. Which makes it obvious Shinji is stronger than her, by far. She will never admit it to anyone out loud, barely admits it to herself, but she knows he is. 

There is an unsaid agreement that he is the strongest of them all. So naturally, when she hears Aizen insult Shinji, she almost charges at him. She can sense that her friends feel the same, and so does Shinji, despite trying to reason them. She tries to listen to him. She really, really tries, but then, Aizen speaks again.

 

"You all have been dead, ever since that night one hundred years ago."

 

Hiyori snaps. She goes blind with rage. She doesn't even register her name being called, she just charges out of instinct. 

She hates him. She hates him with everything she's got. Every particule of her soul. Every cell of this cursed body she has been forced into for a hundred years.

Aizen's expression doesn't change, and it only makes her angrier, make her want to cut his head off, pierce his chest with her zanpakuto. The hollow within her screams, adds the vicious envy to rip him apart with her bare hands.  

 

But she doesn't even have the time to summon her mask. She feels Ichimaru's blade cut through her and watches her bottom half fly apart before she even sees him.

Rage really is blinding. 

She feels herself falling as her reiatsu runs out, and this time, she distinctly hears Shinji scream her name. He catches her mid-air -her upper half, that is. She can't feel anything below her waist.

Shinji keeps screaming her name and when she sees the unmistakable terror in his expression, she does feel a little guilty. She hasn't seen him so shaken since _that night_.

Blood bubbles in her throat, sharp metal taste in her mouth and it's hard to even breathe, but she manages to choke out an apology to him. She had never been good at listening and doing what she was told -and finally facing the bastard who ruined her life and her friend's, hearing him _make fun of it_ , was obviously going to trigger her.

Aizen did just as Shinji said he would : hit where he knew it hurt, his words slicing through her sharper than any blade. 

 

"I... couldn't hold back anymore," she confesses, at last.

 

At the utter lack of anger in her tone, she sees something twist in Shinji's eyes, because he knows. Of course he knows.

_It hurts._

She had been hurting so bad for the past hundred years that she would have gone mad had she not channeled it into anger. After all, anger was familiar. Anger fit well with her personality. Her coping mechanism was safe, hidden in plain sight. 

Still, it didn't come as a surprise that the same tactic that had helped her survive the past hundred years ended up being her doom. Anger is a dangerous thing. 

She knows that it's the end of the battle for her, which makes her feel pathetic and frustrated, but she also knows that the war is not over.

 

_Rose. Lisa. Kensei. Mashiro. Hachi. Love._

_Shinji._

_Avenge us._

 

The last thing she feels is Shinji's grip on her tightening, and Hiyori wonders if her next reincarnation is going to inherit her anger. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I recently re-read Bleach and got emo about those two.  
> i wrote this in the middle of the night i hope it's not too bad.  
> i also hope there are still fans of this paring remaining... existing? this is actually my first piece of writing for Bleach even tho i've been a fan since like 2006 it's a little crazy!
> 
> constructive criticism is very welcome, especially about my grammar!


	2. Chapter 2

 

Against all odds, Hiyori survives the Winter War.

 

She wakes up with the strangest feeling. Having never been that badly injured, she had slipped into unconsciousness with the certainty that she would die. It's unsettling to wake up at all.

The little blonde keeps her eyes closed, processing the state of her body and the world around her. Her body is sore, heavy - but complete. She can feel her legs again.

She feels familiar reiatsu all around her, surrounding her like a warm blanket, and it eases her inner distress a little.

One particular spiritual energy is physically much closer to her than the others, and she  mentally reaches, _longs_ for it. She blinks her eyes open, slowly, recognizing the signature ceiling of the Vizard Warehouse. The room she is in is bathed in a dim light, but a quick look is enough for her to recognize Shinji’s  bedroom. Her eyes immediately find the source of the singular reiatsu she had felt, none other than the owner of the room, asleep on the floor against the bed. 

Hiyori had not realized she had been so tense, until she feels her muscles relax. Breathing is suddenly much more easier.  

_Home_. 

Her fingers twitch, and she instinctively reaches out for him, the tip of her fingers touching his hair, before her hand gets too heavy and she simply rests it on top his head.

“So you survived too, eh,” she whispers, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears, throat hoarse with unuse.

His eyes shoot open, and immediately find hers. “Hiyori,” he breathes, astonished.

_What an idiot_ , she thinks with a warm feeling in her chest. Relief soon replaces surprise in his expression, and as she gives him a once-over, she sees that he looks tired and disheveled, but healthy. Hiyori lets relief wash over her, too.

He straightens up, grasping her hand as it falls from his head and casually keeping it in his. She doesn't protest. She is tired and sore and he is warm and _Shinji_ and she would probably tug him closer if she wasn't feeling so weak.  

Their eyes remain locked together, and they simply breathe in each other's presence for a while, before Shinji smiles tiredly, and finally breaks the silence. 

“We won,” he tells her.

She stares at him, processing the information. They won _._

_They won._

A smile curls her lips, something tingling in her stomach. “Who—“ she breathes, and Shinji doesn't even let her finish.

“Ichigo. And Urahara. They ended him, Hiyori.”

Hiyori can’t help but snort. _Ichigo, eh_. Shinji was right, after all. That brat really was what they needed. Oh, she would have paid real money to see Aizen’s face when he realized that a seventeen years old substitute Shinigami-Vizard was going bring him down. What a sight that must have been. She hopes Urahara filmed it.

Hiyori still wishes one of _them_ would have been the one to kick Aizen’s ass, but whatever. After all, Kisuke was there, and the deed was done. _They won._

She looks down on her body, hidden under the covers, and has a flash of the bottom half of her body flying away. She frees her hand from Shinji's grip to fist her fingers in the covers, voluntarily pinching her legs. It stings, and she blinks in wonder. 

“My body...” she ventures. “How?”

Shinji lets her know that Hachi kept her alive until Captain Unohana arrived and managed to put her back in one piece, healing most the damage inflicted on her body.

It sounds like he is voluntarily omitting a lot of details, and she is about to press him for further information when he speaks again. 

“After that, it was up to ya,” he says, before gently flicking her forehead. “So we knew ya’d be back on your ridiculously tiny legs and resume to be a pain in our asses.”

Hiyori twitches at the familiar teasing, forgetting her curiosity. She tries to sit up to hit the tall blond out of habit, and immediately realizes her mistake. She feels a sharp pain in her lower abdomen knock the wind out of her lungs. She winces, grinding her teeth. _Fucking Ichimaru._

Shinji’s hands are on her shoulders in an instant, strongly buy carefully pushing her down in the bed. “Shit, Hiyori. Don’t move you idiot!”

She scowls at him. “It’s your fault, hage Shinji!” 

She expects their usual banter, but his expression suddenly darkens, and he peels his hands off her shoulders, looking away.

“I know,” he mutters, a self-deprecating smile on his lips. 

Hiyori’s frown deepens.

She can guess his train of thought too easily. Shinji has a habit of taking responsibility for everything. He has been blaming himself for what happened to them for a hundred years, now. Probably will for his entire life. And now he plans to beat himself for Hiyori's dumb actions too. As if the state she is in isn’t hers and her stupid temper’s fault only.

Why the fuck does he have to be so annoying? 

“Disgusting,” she spits.

He looks up at her, surprised. “What?”

“Your face.”

“My…” he suddenly looks offended. It’s a much better look on him. “You brat! You realize I—“

The door bursts open before he can finish, and someone almost jumps on her.

“Hiyoriiiiiiin!” she immediately recognizes Mashiro as she wails in her ear. “I knew I heard your voice!”

“So that really was her voice,” she hears Lisa say.

“Ugh, don’t tell her she was right,” she recoignizes Kensei’s voice, right before strong arms yank the green haired woman away from Hiyori. “Let her breath, Mashiro.”

“Welcome back,” Rose says when her eyes scan the room now that Mashiro is not blocking the view.

Next to him, Love gives her two fingers salute. A little behind, Hachi is looking warmly at her, Lisa by his side.

They’re all here. All safe.

Hiyori smiles easily, happiness a raw emotion in her chest.

“Heard we won,” Hiyori declares, feeling so utterly proud. 

And they all, without failing, give her their brightest victorious smile. 

 

*

 

Hiyori thinks the worst is over, but then, a month after she wakes up, the truth blows up.

The Visored are all gathered in the living room of the Warehouse, each doing their own thing, and Hiyori is stretching on the floor, training her muscles to regain their flexibility, when she hears Rose clears his throat.

“So, hm, Hiyori,” he calls, his voice smooth like honey.

Hiyori looks up, slightly annoyed to be interrupted. “What?” she asks curtly although there is no heat in her voice –just her natural aggressive tone.

She expects to hear a piece of triva, but then she notices that everyone has stopped what they were doing to focus on their exchange, and Hiyori doesn’t miss how tense they all suddenly appear.

“What’s the deal with all of ya?”

They exchange looks, like they’re sharing a piece of information she doesn’t know, and it makes a vein pulse on her forehead with annoyance.

“Y’all better spit it out before I make ya,” she threatens, secretly extremely uneasy to be left out in such a way.

“The Sereitei reached out,” Kensei eventually says.

Hiyori freezes. Conflicting emotions flood her as she waits for what's next.

“They apologized for everything that happened,” the former captain continues. 

Hiyori scowls. “They should be kissin' our asses,” she spits, her tone heinous.

Kensei pauses, and looks at the rest of the Vizored, as if waiting if someone will take over. Apprently, there is more to say, but none of the others seem willing to help him. Hiyori frowns, looking at them. She doesn't understand why the mood is so unconfortable.

“Tch. There is no hiding it anymore,” he declare, seemingly annoyed. “Yamamoto offered to take us back.”

Hiyori blinks a few times, actually taken aback by that, and then she snorts disapprovingly. “Bet he wants us back.”

She shakes her head, and then resumes her stretching, grabbing the sole of her foot and bending forward. She doesn't understand what the big deal even is about. They're all so dramatic. “Old man is senile. What is he thinkin’? That’s we’ll just crawl back to him after everythin’ just because he apologized? Ha!”

She wonders why the man even bothered, honestly. Apologies are a little satisfying, maybe. After all, it's about time they admitted they fucked up, big time. But surely, there is no forgiving that will be granted. Hiyori is honestly stunned the Soul Society is dumb enough to think they will even consider it. 

It takes her a few minutes to realize that an awkward silence has settled in the room. She looks back up at her friends, raising an eyebrow.

And then, the world falls on her head.

“I’m going,” Kensei says, and it's like he's just kicked Hiyori in the chest.

“Wha—“ she chokes before she’s interrupted by Mashiro.

“I’m following Kensei everywhere he’ll go,” Mashiro peeps up, raising her hand, making Kensei roll his eyes.

“I am going back, too.” Rose says after a beat.

Hiyori stares at them dumbfounded. Is it a joke? Are they messing with her? She doesn't understand. She feels a dull burn on the skin of her abdomen.

“I’m not going,” Lisa says.

“I declined as well,” Hachi supplies. 

“I might be available if they need help once in a while, but I’ll pass for now,” Love shrugs. “Maybe later.”

Hiyori supposes it's supposed to reassure her that they're not all crazy, that some of them are staying back, but it only makes it worse. Because it makes it real. Kensei, Mashiro and Rose are leaving. They are leaving, for real. 

On instinct, she swirls to face Shinji. He’s pointedly avoiding her gaze. _No_ , she thinks, her stomach sinking. _Not you._

“And you?” she presses.

There is so much weight in the question that the air in the room becomes heavier. The unconfortable silence that wraps around them is an answer on its own, and Hiyori snaps.

“You gotta be kiddin’ me!” she shrieks, rushing toward him aggressively as if pulled by a magnet.

“There it goes,” she vaguely hears Hachi sigh in the distance.

“Predictable,” Lisa says.

Hiyori barely registers what they are talking about. Her attention solely focused on Shinji. And suddenly, she feels so, so mad. They're all crazy. They're all so fucking dumb and him, him—

“Are you serious? _You_? You’re going back?”

Shinji doesn’t look up, pointedly looking at something over her shoulder. Her heart squeezes painfully in her chest and she pushes him violently, his lack of reaction feeding her rage. She is burning up.

“Fucking look at me!” she yells, her wild angry eyes trying to catch his own.

Shinji finally looks up, and she takes a step back. She hates what she sees in his eyes. She hates it because there’s nothing in it but _guilt_. 

She's about to lash out when she suddenly hears her hollow whisper something to her, and she clenches her fists.

“Pathetic,” she spits.

She storms out of the warehouse, and doesn’t hear Shinji call out her name, nor the Vizards collectively letting out a deep sigh.

 

*

 

Shinji comes find Hiyori in the training basement later that evening. She is sitting cross legged on the ground, her zanpakuto resting on her lap, her hollow mask on. She is practicing control, as she finds herself needing it more than ever.

Her eyes are closed, but she feels him stop a few feet away from her –which she deems smart, considering the situation. She keeps her eyelids firmly shut, focused on everything but him. Unfortunately, she quickly realizes that focusing on ignoring him is highly counterproductive.

He remains immobile and silent and it only takes her about thirty seconds to loose patience and snap her eyes open, throwing a murdering look his way. He raises his hands defensively, before dropping on the ground in front of her and mick-micking her position. 

“The fuck are you doin'?” she growls, her mask making her voice low and foreign.

“Practice,” he shrugs, nonchalantly.

Her reiatsu flares up despite herself. “I will cut you open,” she snaps.

Shinji doesn’t even open his eyes upon hearing her threat. Instead, he has the audacity to _smirk_. Fury ignites her blood, and she raises up.

“If you wanna stay, then let’s fight,” she spits, suddenly unable to think about meditation and control. _Fuck control._ If he's there, he knows full well what he should expect.

“I don’t think that a good idea,” he says, but gets up anyway, one hand in the pocket of his pants.

“I said: fuck off,” she snarls, pointing her zanpakuto at him. “Or fight.”

Shinji sighs. He doesn’t even get his hand out of his pocket.

 

**_He doesn’t take this seriously_** , a voice whispers in her head. Her inner hollow. She can feel it in the back of her mind since facing Aizen and being cut in half, gawking at her. **_Show him, Hiyori. Show him the depth of your anger._**

 

Hiyori grits her teeth.

“ _Buttegire—_ “ she whispers fiercely.

Shinji’s eyes widen in surprise, seemingly not expecting things to escalate so quickly. “Hey, now—“ 

“ _Kubikiri Orochi!_ ”

Her shikai appears with a flash of pink light, and she feels power flood her. She immediately charges at Shinji, and he avoids her attack with annoying ease, but at least he takes his hand out of his damn pocket.

“Hiyori, I want to talk—“ he tries, before she cuts him off with a kick she barely misses.

“Why would I listen to you now?” she snaps. “Did you talk to me before you decided to join the enemy?”

 

**_No, he didn’t_** , her hollow sneers. **_He betrayed you!_**

 

 

“D'you realize that we’ll never be anything else than freaks to them? They only want you back to fill the gaps those traitors left, snap out of it!”

It feels good to be able to lash out all the things she had been chewing all afternoon. God she feels so, so angry. Why is he so damn—

“I’m not dumb, Hiyori,” he says placidly, as if reading her mind.

She stares at him, reiatsu shaky and flowing around her as a manifestation of her fury. No, she knows he is not dumb; he never has been. But admitting that means there is only one answer left.

“Then you’re just a fucking _traitor_ too!”

A flash of anger crosses Shinji’s eyes. “Don’t call me that.”

 

**_He’s going to leave you!_** the hollow growls inside her, louder. **_He’s going to abandon you like those scumbags shinigami did a hundred years ago!_**

 

“Then what else are you?!” she screams, aiming straight for his head with her zanpakuto. She wants to hurt him — _really_ hurt him. And distantly, she knows that this is wrong, that it's not her; but blood lust is all she can think about. “They were ready to execute us as Hollows and now you want to help them?! They can rot in hell, every single one of them, and you too!”

 

**_Yes, Hiyori, that’s it!_ **

 

“Hiyori, take your mask off,” Shinji suddenly orders, tone serious.

“I don’t take orders from _a traitor_!” she screeches, charging at him again.

She finds herself pinned on the floor in a blink. Shinji is hovering over her, straddling her, his forearm pressing on her chest to keep her in place. She immediately trashes against him, trying to break his hold. She can feel her hollow filling her with power and she welcomes it, reaches for it.

 

**_Y_ _e s, Hiyori. I’ll help you. Let's do this! Take my strength!_**

 

“Let me go!” she roars, her voice foreign. “Get your hands off me! Hypocrite! Back-stabber! Traitor, traitor—”

 

**_They're all traitors, Hiyori. Kill them all so they can’t betray you ever again! So they can’t hurt you!_**

 

“Hiyori!” Shinji’s voice echoes in the distance, fogged. “Take your mask off, now!”

 

**_Unlash it! Unlash your anger so it stops hurting!_ **

She feels herself getting swallowed by darkness, anger wrapping around her like a blanket. It doesn't matter. She doesn't need anything else. She can fight. She can scream. She can cut and kill, kill, kill—

 

Hiyori sees a flash of white, her hollow screaming briefly before the sound dies out completely, and the anger suddenly vanishes. She feels her mask crumbles on her face, and she’s left staring at the tip of a blade.

“You stupid brat,” Shinji’s voice echoes angrily, right above her.

She blinks, her focus shifting to his face as he takes his blade away. His eyebrows are knit together in a deep frown and his expression betrays a mix of anger and worry. She dumbly stares at him, unable to say anything.

“One hundred years and you lose control now?” 

He stares at her face for several more seconds, as if searching for something, before sighing heavily and rolling off her.

 

Hiyori stares at the fake sky of the basement in stupor, trying to even her breathing. Her hollow is growling distantly in the back of her mind and she feels mild panic flood her. Her hollow had taken control. 

She had always been the most unstable of them all. She can make fun of Ichigo all she wants but before he joined them, she had been the one who had taken the most time winning over her own hollow. Had Shinji not been there, what would have happened? She wonders. But then again, had Shinji not been there, she probably wouldn’t have snapped.

Hiyori doesn’t want to dwell on the reason why she is mad at Shinji specifically. Mad to the point of losing control of her inner hollow when it had never happened in a hundred years. She doesn't want to think about it because now that her hollow drained her out, she is out of anger, and she doesn’t want to talk about what’s hidden under her wrath.

 

They lay side by side for a while, until Hiyori's hollow is completely silent, and she wants to just get up and leave. He doesn't deserve a conversation. 

But still. Still, she needs to know.

“When did you decide?” she finally asks, voice strained.

And as if he had been waiting patiently for her to talk this whole time, Shinji answers without a beat. “When you were still unconscious.” 

Hiyori's heart squeezes in her chest. She huffs angrily to make the feeling go away. “So I really didn’t have a say in this, did I—“

“I needed to make a decision with my head.”

She turns her head to look at him, scowling. He's lying quietly next to her, eyes closed. “The hell does that mean?” 

Upon hearing her question, he opens his eyes and turns his head in her direction. He stares at her with an odd look for the longest time, before finally answering. “You know I attacked Aizen right after you lost consciousness?”

She blinks at him, feeling unsettled by the revelation. She hadn’t known. They had told her what she had missed in the battlefield after she passed out, including Ichimaru turning out to be against Aizen and Ichigo losing his powers after the finale battle, but she hadn’t known the details. Especially not this one. Then again, Shinji had remained very vague and elusive regarding this specific part of the battle. 

Shinji snorts, but it sounds hollow. He looks back at the sky, expression serious. “I hadn’t felt so enraged in a hundred years.”

_Tell me about it_ , she thinks. Aizen was a trigger for all of them.

“It was dumb. But Ichigo wasn’t coming back with Orihime and Hachi only had one arm left and your reiatsu was slipping away. I could barely feel it.” He pauses, his jaw tightening. “I thought you would—”

He closes his eyes, exhaling, and Hiyori simply blinks at him as she takes in the meaning of his words. It’s not about Aizen. It’s about her.

“So I thought, _fuck it_ , and attacked.”

_You’re a dumbass_ , she thinks instinctively. She is of complete bad faith, but she needs to push down the weird, unpleasant feeling of her heart tightening in her chest. _You’re the dumbest shit I know._

“Anyway,” he sighs, relaxing his body a little. “What it means is that you don’t bring out my rational side, Hiyori. That's why I made the decision without you.”

At that, Hiyori frowns. Surely, Shinji and her function differently - they always have. Hiyori is more of a “act first, think later” type of hothead, while Shinji will agonize over a plan for years until everyone is dead. Still, she never contests Shinji’s plans, because he's a dumb shithead but he's also a freaking mastermind.

But this situation? Is it supposed to be the smart one? She really can’t see it.

“And _that_ ’s your rational side? Going back to them, helping them after they threw us away like trash?”

He stays silent and Hiyori hates that her hollow burned all her energy. Because now she is too tired to feel angry, and she just feels raw and... hurt. And she _hates_ it.

Shinji looks back at her. “It’s where we belong,” he says simply.

Hiyori snorts, looking away.

Technically, she knows he is right. No matter how familiar she has gotten with her gigai, she isn’t human. They don’t belong in the mortal world. They are souls. Souls belong in the Soul Society.

But they are also Hollows.

“We don't belong anywhere anymore, Shinji,” she whispers. “You’re a moron if you think otherwise.”

“We belong together,” he says, and that catches her off guard, her gaze snapping back to him.

She opens her mouth, then closes it, momentarily astonished. 

“Cut the cheesy crap or I’ll puke on you,” she snaps, almost automatically. But there is no venom in her words. Her heart aches. _Yes, we belong together_ , a secret part of her whispers, reaching for him. _Then don't go where I can't follow._

She turns her head away again, hiding. She hates this. She hates this feeling. She hates this conversation. She hates thinking about where it will inevitably lead them. She hates it because he's made up his mind about going, and she...

“I can’t go back, Shinji,” she finally admits, her voice a bare whisper, much more tiny than usual. She doesn’t like it. But she just can’t find any fire in her, right now.

“I know,” she hears him say, sounding resolved.

She closes her eyes tightly. She doesn't want this, but there is no other way. No matter what they both want, he won’t ask her to come with him, and she won’t ask him to stay. It wouldn’t be fair for either of them.

Shinji is kind and resilient, but once he makes up his mind about something, he sticks to it until the end –and he has made up his mind about this. For that last part, him and Hiyori are the same.

The difference is that Shinji isn’t a hothead, and he knows when to let go. Hiyori doesn’t. That’s the reason she was the one cut in half. And that’s also the reason they are ultimately forced to part. Shinji can get over his bruised feelings when it comes to doing what is right, but Hiyori is different. Her heart is still raw with betrayal. Cultivating resentment for a hundred years will do that to a person, especially a stubborn one. Even with Aizen gone, she still held a grudge against Soul Society.

After all, the worst thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.

 

“Unohana still needs to see you,” Shinji says eventually, moving next to her to sit.

Hiyori inhales, composing herself before turning around. 

“I don’t need her,” she says, suddenly twisting and extending her leg to kick his face, and actually landing it. It lightens the mood automatically, and a laugh bubbles out of her chest. “See?”

“Freaking brat!” He mutters, rubbing his chin. “Can’t hurt to drop by for a check in.”

“Whatever, we’ve got Orihime and Hachi over here.“ She tries to kick him again for the fun of it.

“Unohana knows better,” Shinji insists, blocking her kick this time.

“I don’t—“

The blond lets out an irritated sigh, and then grabs her leg and yanks her toward him, making her yelp. He leans over her and flicks her forehead.

“Just come visit, stupid.”

She stares at him and finally takes the hint. _Oh._

He rolls his eyes, and embarrassment washes over her.

“You’re stupid!” she snaps lamely, kicking his shin and pushing him away. She needs to yell. She needs to kick.

Shinji swiftly gets on his feet. She scowls even though her face feels a little too hot. 

“I’ll do what I want!” she yells, jumping up, energy suddenly flooding her.

“I don’t doubt it,” he smirks her way, lacing his fingers behind his head.

He is the picture of nonchalance. Hiyori feels _furious_.

 

*

 

They part ways on a Thursday morning, two weeks later.

Mashiro squishes each one of the Vizards staying behind in a tight hug, sobbing loudly, and Hiyori’s protests are not as vehement as they usually are. Rose makes a sappy speech about them being family forever and their bond being unbreakable and probably a dozen more dramatic things, but Hiyori tunes out halfway through his monologue to keep herself from puking. Kensei and Shinji stand by, making a much more formal send-off.

Eventually, Kensei claps his tongue in annoyance as he grabs the back of Mashiro’s top to yank her away from Lisa.

“Let’s go already, it’s not like we’re never going to see them again!”

Mashiro protests, teary-eyed, but Kensei grabs her under his arm and turns away from them. He raises his sword in the air, turning it as he would a key, and traditional shoji doors suddenly appear in the middle of the room.

Hiyori hasn’t seen the Senkaimon in decades. The aura around it makes her uneasy, and although the chilly air of a typical autumn day usually doesn’t bother her, she suppresses a shiver as she feels a rush of air coming through the portal.

Kensei gets in first with Mashiro, her wails echoing through the gate as if she’s being dragged against her will. Rose follows them after a theatrical bow. Hiyori feels even colder.

Shinji lingers behind, and she’s finally forced to look at him in the eye. She hadn’t been actively avoiding his gaze, but she hadn’t made as much eye contact with him as she usually did, either. He catches her eyes immediately, as if he had been looking at her the whole time, and Hiyori is at loss of words.

For a second, he looks like he’s about to say something important, making it all even more difficult, but then he pinches her cheek.

“What is it, monkey?” he says suddenly. “Afraid ya will miss me?”

Hiyori blinds at him, taken aback by the sudden mood change, before her instincts kick in. She slaps his hand away, stepping on his foot in retaliation.

“Why would I miss you?” she snaps. “You’ve lost your damn baldy head if you think I will miss you!”

“Can’t you two just kiss each other goodbye already?” Lisa suddenly says, sounding bored.

Hiyori and Shinji both shriek “What?!” and “No!” at the same time. Hiyori hides her chest with her arms for some reason, and she doesn’t think she can feel more horrified until she catches Shinji look at her, and kicks him in the stomach.

“Don’t even think about it!” she warns. “No one wants to kiss a baldy!”

“And no one wants to kiss an angry little monkey,” Shinji mutters, clutching his stomach.

“Say that again!”

“M.O.N.K.E.Y,” Shinji repeats childishly, making a face she assumes is supposed to be a monkey.

He only avoids getting smacked by her sandal because he steps backwards, and Lisa loosely grabs the back of Hiyori’s jacket to stop her from jumping on Shinji.

“Careful, Hiyori,” Hachi interjects calmy. “Your feet.”

Upon hearing her friend, Hiyori takes note of her surroundings, and notices she’s dangerously close to entering the Senkaimon. Her anger at Shinji made her forget the unease the damn thing was making her feel.

She then realizes Shinji is actually _in_ the Senkaimon already, the doors slowly closing on him. He keeps making faces at her, and Hiyori forgets why she even thought this whole thing was a big deal. If Shinji can so easily make her feel like their family is not tearing itself apart permanently, then maybe it really isn’t.

“See ya, braaaaaat,” Shinji says, sticking his tongue out.

 

Hiyori’s sandal is the last thing that passes the portal before it closes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally updated??? amazing  
> let's see :  
> \- implied kensei/mashiro being dumbly in love too, probably  
> \- i wanted to give y'all fluff so bad. like cheesy fluff. but y'know. i gotta keep Hiyori in character.  
> \- i'm sorry if you expected fluff and romance i'm terrible  
> \- this is the slowest burn ever  
> \- hiyori is the tsunderest tsundere ever and it hurt me to write this actually because I WANT THEM TO KISS AND CUDDLE SO BAD  
> \- hiyori's anger issues do NOT get better, i'm really sorry
> 
> ANYWAY I think this story will be in 3 parts and a separate chapter from Shinji's pov (which might be the one where some action finally happens)  
> i don't know if people are actually following this story but in case of i'm sorry i'm long af and not even sure this is good bear with me pls


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